Amandaaaa

I love you—I do—but I am afraid of making that love too important. Because you’re always going to leave me. We can’t deny it. You’re always going to leave.

SHE WORE a sunflower dress and on the first day that you saw her, you fell in love.  

Over time, she fell in love with you too. 

She taught you what it was to live, with her wildness and her melodic laughter. And you taught her how to love. 

It wasn’t always easy. There were nights when she would wake up screaming and you would hold her close, and stroke her hair until she fell back asleep. There were mornings when she would be distant.

A few times, you thought about leaving. Over Winter, when she cried almost every day and your presence hardly seemed to matter to her anymore. Over Easter, when you fought constantly. 

But there were periods of sunshine too. And it was during these times that you remembered the sunflower dress.

“I loved that dress,” you told her, one July evening. 

“Really?” she laughed in that characteristic way of hers.

“Yes.“ 

The next week, she wore it for the first time in a year, to meet your family. She looked so happy that you couldn’t help but laugh. You couldn’t help but love her.

It is these moments that you think about now - now that she is gone. The sunflower dress and her melodic laughter. The way that you loved her. 

The sunflowers in your back garden sway in the breeze. You wonder whether she still wears them when she feels happy. You hope that she does.

When do you know it’s time to leave?“ he asked no one in particular.

“When leaving hurts less than staying,” came the reply.

You were fucking me up but I loved you so I let you. We were fucking each other up and calling it love.

But it isn’t enough,“ she said, “not even if I give you every part of me. Not if you don’t want it. Not if you never asked for it. I can love you with everything that I have but that won’t make you love me back.

I hope you marry her.

I hope she makes you happy. I hope one day you look into her eyes and know that she’s the one. I hope she makes you laugh. I hope she never dismisses your tears. I hope she’s there for you when you need her most and she never makes you question whether you’re enough.

I hope she supports you and you support her too. I hope you build each other up. I hope she feels like home after a long day, and her arms feel safe. I hope she does little things absentmindedly which make you smile, and she gets along with your brother. I hope her family are kind to you.

I hope you are happy together. I hope you marry her. It is none of my business anymore but I hope she gives you everything you deserve. I hope she gives you everything I never could.

You cannot fix me,“ she said quietly. “Not now that you have broken me.

"You may try, and I may try, but the truth remains: I cannot look at you anymore. I cannot let you touch me without it hurting. I cannot breathe.

It would have been so easy to go back to. So easy to relapse into it. So simple. It would almost feel like going home. To let it consume you. To let it take over. To give into it.

It was only a small part of you that stood up and said ‘no’. That said, ‘you’re better than this.’ That said, 'choose happiness. Even if it’s hard. Even if it’s the hardest choice you’ve ever had to make.’

You cannot fix me,“ she said quietly. “Not now that you have broken me.

"You may try, and I may try, but the truth remains: I cannot look at you anymore. I cannot let you touch me without it hurting. I cannot breathe.